Sometimes honesty is quite ugly

Sometimes when I sit down to blog, I know exactly what I want to say.  Other times, I have a direction I'd like to go, but I'm not really sure.  But sometimes, I have no clue, I just let the Holy Spirit lead my fingers.  Currently, I'm sitting in the public library, on a PC,  in which I have 49 remaining minutes before I'll get knocked off.  I'm wasting time before meeting one of my best friends that I go a year between each time I get to see him.  We were supposed to hang out this afternoon, so I drove into town, only to find out he couldn't hang out for like two and half more hours.  My mom didn't want me to waste the gas to drive all the way home then all the way back, so I thought hmm, I'll go to the library...

I'm going to be brutally honest, I have been doing a terrible job at being a Christian lately, let alone a Nazirite.  As I drove to the library, I thought about how I haven't consistently journaled in like two months.  I thought about how I don't usually encounter the Lord when I'm worshipping, but more when I'm writing [or typing].  Then I listened to this track on a Jonathan David Helser cd, where some guy is talking about how much God loves us.  He says, "There is nothing you can do to make God love you any more than He already does, and there is also nothing you can do to make God love you any less."  Usually listening to this guys Word makes me pumped to learn to love God better, however today, I was just like, dude if there is nothing I can do to make Him love me any more or less, why bother trying.  I've been doing so sucky at loving God lately anyways, why should I make a difference in my life to try to fix things.  Why not just keep living in this mediocrity.  Why not keep living inconsistantly.  If there is nothing I can do to change His love for me, then it's okay to love Him well sometimes and love Him badly other times.  Then the Lord reminded me how frustrated I am that my friend bailed on me this afternoon and I'm having to waste hours of my day waiting for him.  The Lord said, "Casey, there is nothing you can do to make Me love you less, but it hurts that you don't care enough about Me to spend time with Me.  You long for this time with your friend because you don't get to see him often, but Me, you can talk to Me anytime, but you choose not to.  You choose not to pursue Me.  But beloved, no matter how much you cause My heart to ache, I won't love you less, because you are my shining star, you are my beloved Casey, I will never give up on you." 

Now I sit and I type and I hear the whisper of my Savior calling me back to Him.  But I'm numb.  In that same Word from the guy I was talking about earlier, he says that God's love for us will not change, but what will change is our ability to receive His love.  I think I'm numb to receiving God's love... 

Jesus, break this wall I've built.  Tear it down.  God, I want to be able to receive Your love.  I feel like I'm in the middle of this epic battle between heaven and hell for the devotion of my heart.  Jesus, I choose You.  I will always choose you.  But please, please don't stop fighting for me.  I'm over mediocrity.  I want all my affections to be aimed at You again.  I love You God, I love You.