blessings

This semester was rough.  Over the last couple days as I spend ample amount of time with the Lord, He has been showing me an overarching theme.  


Do not let your heart envy sinners.


This semester, I spent a lot of time envying sinners.  I spent too much time daydreaming of being rebellious.  I decided in my heart that Christianity wasn't very fun.  That following Jesus was hard work and not enjoyable.  I never stopped wanting to follow Jesus, but I just wanted to take a break from the whole idea of holiness and go crazy for a bit.  


I didn't really "go crazy," but I did sin.  I don't think I have it in me to "go crazy."  Christ is just too strong in me and I'm too submitted to His will, though I can trail away a bit.  I truly did spend the semester with my heart envying sinners.  


Then instead of my Papa smacking me into submission, He's gently covered me with sweet kisses.  How can I envy sinners when I have such a great Papa?!  


My heart has completely returned to Him, the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords.  I am abundantly blessed and joyous.  What a beautiful picture of the Father's love.  I was running from Him.  Instead of Him throwing rocks at me to knock me on my face bleeding, crying out for help, He led a vibrant man of God into my life, to treat me like a princess and show me pure joy.  


My life is flowing with blessings.  I'm completely captivated by my Jesus; fully surrendered and in love with Him.  I'm finally resting in my Father's love and acceptance.  I'm dating the guy I've always prayed for and we absolutely adore each other.  


It's the kindness of God that leads man to repentance.  [Romans 2:4]

grace

Recently I've developed this idea in my head that I want to be rebellious.  It occurred to me that sin sounds fun.  So I started taking actions to be "rebellious."  Not anything too extreme, but non-the-less, rebellious.  


I started feeling very guilty about it, because I know I'm better than the things I was doing.  If for no other reason, it was unhealthy.  


I was talking to my good friend about the mistakes I had been making and how I wanted to sin, then almost out of no where, I said to him that my life is always going to be messy because I want nothing more than to be with the messed up.  I went on to list all of these things that my heart is crying out to do.  Then a few hours later I watched this incredible sermon another friend was teaching.  It rocked my world.  I'm not going to go in detail, I would rather just encourage you to watch it, but it talked about being a new creation.  The thing about this guy is that he makes his teaching practical and tells you how to live it.  He literally used a diagram and gives so many illustrations that it's almost impossible to not understand the message.  He literally talked about how sometimes Christians get the idea that it would be fun/enjoyable to sin.  Or how other Christians just feel like because they struggled with it before Christ, they always will struggle with it.  He explained the concept of becoming a new creation, then how to renew your mind.  To watch his video, click HERE.  To read an article of his on renewing your mind, click HERE.


His video really brought me full circle.  I saw that my mind was being deceived that I wanted to sin.  I remembered what I told my other friend about wanting to devote my life to messy people.  I realized my heart knows who I am.  That I am a new creation.  However my mind was trying to convince me that although I was a new creation, my actions still would reflect my old nature.  False.  My actions will reflect my new nature.  I just have to train my mind to remember who I am in Christ.  I am hidden in Him and I shall not forget again.  I have the Hebrew word "zakar" tattooed on my wrist, which means "to remember."  You'd think I would have gotten the hang of it by now...  


I'm thankful for grace.  


I'm thankful that God doesn't give up on me, even when I hurt Him and run from Him.  


I'm thankful that I am a new creation with a heart of holiness.


Feel free to take a glimpse into my heart, into my Fathers heart...  


(I wrote this a few minutes ago into a message to my friend who preached the new creation sermon)

My heart just desires to be sitting on the dirt floors of brothels brushing the hair of a girl as she prepares herself for her night at "work," selling her body to numerous men, I want to be there, loving her out of her bondage and into the freedom that comes from knowing Jesus. I want to go into villages that have been cursed so that no baby will make it out of her mothers womb because girls are disposable, and I want to speak life over the women and tell them about a God who values them, a God who created them in His image. I want to touch lepers and see their rotted limbs turn new. I want to sing orphans to sleep and have them tell me about the dreams they have of this big Papa who dances with them in the moonlight.