when satan hides my tennis shoes & key card

It has been 20 days since I started my healthy eating plan/life change.  It's been rough to depend on God and not on food, but God has given me the strength to stand strong and not give into my cravings.  I have not, however, started exercising.  I have lost 9 lbs and possibly an inch or so, but haven't yet been motivated enough to go to the gym.  Last night I talked to my health mentor about how I really really really want to exercise and how I know I'll feel so much better and just have an improved life, but I just haven't been able to force myself to take the first step.  She pretty much told me that it was okay because I am determined, so she knows I'll work up the courage to just do it.  

When I woke up this morning, I told myself this was the day.  Today I will exercise.  Today I will stop making excuses and take that first step.  

I told my husband and put on my workout clothes.  I told him bye as he left for work and went to put on my tennis shoes.  I searched...

and searched...

and searched...

and searched...

and my tennis shoes were no where to be found.  I decided that satan was trying to give me an excuse not to exercise but I said NO.  I am going to exercise!  So I put on some other shoes that aren't really suitable to workout in, but who cares, I need to take this first step.  I made up a water bottle, got my iphone and headphones, then went to get the keys that holds the keycard to my apartment buildings gym.  My husband and I only have one car.  He took my set of keys with him when he left with the car.  It's okay though because his keys also have the gym keycard on them.  So I went to the places where he usually sets down his keys.   I searched...

and searched...

and searched...

and searched...

and his keys were no where to be found.  You've got to be kidding me!  On the day I decide I will be strong and workout, my tennis shoes and my keycard to the gym is missing!  If I wasn't so determined, I would have just let satan win.  But I was angry at him.  How dare he hide my shoes and keys!  The nerve of him!  My God is way more powerful than satan, so I told him so.  And I turned on the wii and did part of a Denise Austin workout video wearing socks in my living room.  Sure it wasn't the elliptical or weight lifting, but the warm up was enough to take my breath away and raise my heart rate.   Today I exercised.  It was only for like 15 minutes, but that was 15 minutes more than I've done in the last few months.  And now that I've taken this first step, albeit a tiny one, I will go to the gym tomorrow wearing tennis shoes (even if I have to buy a new pair) and climb on that elliptical.  I may only be able to make it 15 or 20 minutes, but the fact that I'm on it makes me feel better.  It gives me peace in my heart.  Peace that only comes from my Father.  I've only been consistent with exercise once in the last year and during those few weeks, I felt peace and happiness and confidence.  I want that again.  His mercies are new every morning.  Today satan tried to defeat me, but my Lord empowered me.  Tomorrow His mercies will be new again and I will be prepared to punch satan in the face.  

this time is different

This morning I stood naked in front of my bathroom mirror and told myself this is the first day of the rest of my life.  I have struggled with my weight and dieting for most of my life.  I remember when I first started gaining weight at 10.  I was growing boobs and my body was changing, as everyones does when approaching puberty.  I will never forget the day that a neighbor of ours was standing on my porch with my mom and I when she looked me in the eye and said, "You sure do have a spare tire.  You should work on that."  I remember asking my mom what a spare tire meant, aside from the car.  She told me how people use that term to say that you have a fat belly.  From that day forward, I saw myself as fat and ugly.  And you know where I found solace?  McDonald's supersized french fries.  I was in the fifth grade at a new school and I got fat.  I didn't have all my best friends in my class like I was used to.  My teacher constantly had subs because she had a baby.  Things were changing all around me, so I ate french fries.  

Remember when Eve ate of the forbidden fruit and she and Adam realized they were naked?  God found them hiding, ashamed and asked, "Who told you that you were naked?" (Genesis 3:11).  God then clothed them because He cared for His creation.  I feel as though I am Eve and ate of the junk food.  When He came to me in His loving grace and asked me "Who told you that you were fat?" I ran from Him and hid deeper into the garden eating more and more of the forbidden junk food.  He came to me with arms wide open, full of acceptance, grace, strength, power, redemption, and help to become a healthy person and instead of running to Him, I have ran for the past 13 years in the opposite direction.  Of course I have loved God with most of my heart and I know that I am redeemed, but the food thing, I couldn't give that to God.  I couldn't let Him cover my shame because I caused my shame by eating crap.  I couldn't bear to hear Him tell me that I was beautiful because I only allowed my appearance to tell me that I was fat... which led me to the forbidden fruit all over again.  I have dieted hundreds of times.  I've failed.  I have exercised so much, but I always end up feeling defeated and giving up.  I have never asked God to help me with my weight because I was ashamed and I thought it was totally stupid to need God's help with something as stupid as not having the self-control to put down a Reese's Cup.  

But this time, this time is different.  I am asking God for help.  I need to get healthy.  I don't care about getting skinny anymore, I care about having a healthy weight.  I hate going to the doctor because they weigh me and tell me that I am obese.  I have a wonderful husband and I want to start a family with him one day.  But at this point, if I got pregnant, I could potentially harm myself and my baby because of my weight problem.  I don't want this curse of excess weight to fall on my child.  I want to be an awesome role model for my future daughters.  I'm ready to take this leap of faith and trust God to sustain me.  I am ready to turn to the Lord when I am craving a piece of cake or a donut and ask Him to fill me up and give me the strength to eat fresh vegetables instead.  

I have decided to do the "wheat belly" diet.  I am giving up wheat, sugar, and most grains.  I have researched many different plans and this is one that I believe will actually work for me.  I carry the majority of my weight in my stomach and pretty much everything I normally eat has wheat of some kind in it.  I am really excited to see how my body will transform as I eat healthy.  Many people have said that along with drastic weight loss, they also have more energy and less depression.  I struggle extremely bad with depression to the point that I have to take 3 prescription medications a day to manage it.  I believe that losing weight through exercise and healthy eating will help my depression to some degree.  I'm not expecting it to disappear, but I know depression has been a side effect of my junk food habit.  

As of this morning I need to lose 66.2 pounds, yet instead of feeling like I will fail, I feel empowered, as I know the Lord is holding my hand. 

I am also taking part in the Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study for the book Made to Crave.  I've only read about half the book in the last week, but it has absolutely changed my life and know that it will continue too.  I am excited to study the bible with a group of women from all around the world as we discuss our struggles to stop idolizing food and learn to crave God.  This week our scripture is Psalm 84:2:

My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord, my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.

I am done yearning for junk food.  The desire of my heart is to yearn for the Lord as David did.  I know this journey isn't going to be easy, but I also know that it will be worth it.  Please consider praying for me as I cleanse my body of toxic food and fill it with the Bread of Life.