Sunday, January 19, 2014

this time is different

This morning I stood naked in front of my bathroom mirror and told myself this is the first day of the rest of my life.  I have struggled with my weight and dieting for most of my life.  I remember when I first started gaining weight at 10.  I was growing boobs and my body was changing, as everyones does when approaching puberty.  I will never forget the day that a neighbor of ours was standing on my porch with my mom and I when she looked me in the eye and said, "You sure do have a spare tire.  You should work on that."  I remember asking my mom what a spare tire meant, aside from the car.  She told me how people use that term to say that you have a fat belly.  From that day forward, I saw myself as fat and ugly.  And you know where I found solace?  McDonald's supersized french fries.  I was in the fifth grade at a new school and I got fat.  I didn't have all my best friends in my class like I was used to.  My teacher constantly had subs because she had a baby.  Things were changing all around me, so I ate french fries.  

Remember when Eve ate of the forbidden fruit and she and Adam realized they were naked?  God found them hiding, ashamed and asked, "Who told you that you were naked?" (Genesis 3:11).  God then clothed them because He cared for His creation.  I feel as though I am Eve and ate of the junk food.  When He came to me in His loving grace and asked me "Who told you that you were fat?" I ran from Him and hid deeper into the garden eating more and more of the forbidden junk food.  He came to me with arms wide open, full of acceptance, grace, strength, power, redemption, and help to become a healthy person and instead of running to Him, I have ran for the past 13 years in the opposite direction.  Of course I have loved God with most of my heart and I know that I am redeemed, but the food thing, I couldn't give that to God.  I couldn't let Him cover my shame because I caused my shame by eating crap.  I couldn't bear to hear Him tell me that I was beautiful because I only allowed my appearance to tell me that I was fat... which led me to the forbidden fruit all over again.  I have dieted hundreds of times.  I've failed.  I have exercised so much, but I always end up feeling defeated and giving up.  I have never asked God to help me with my weight because I was ashamed and I thought it was totally stupid to need God's help with something as stupid as not having the self-control to put down a Reese's Cup.  

But this time, this time is different.  I am asking God for help.  I need to get healthy.  I don't care about getting skinny anymore, I care about having a healthy weight.  I hate going to the doctor because they weigh me and tell me that I am obese.  I have a wonderful husband and I want to start a family with him one day.  But at this point, if I got pregnant, I could potentially harm myself and my baby because of my weight problem.  I don't want this curse of excess weight to fall on my child.  I want to be an awesome role model for my future daughters.  I'm ready to take this leap of faith and trust God to sustain me.  I am ready to turn to the Lord when I am craving a piece of cake or a donut and ask Him to fill me up and give me the strength to eat fresh vegetables instead.  

I have decided to do the "wheat belly" diet.  I am giving up wheat, sugar, and most grains.  I have researched many different plans and this is one that I believe will actually work for me.  I carry the majority of my weight in my stomach and pretty much everything I normally eat has wheat of some kind in it.  I am really excited to see how my body will transform as I eat healthy.  Many people have said that along with drastic weight loss, they also have more energy and less depression.  I struggle extremely bad with depression to the point that I have to take 3 prescription medications a day to manage it.  I believe that losing weight through exercise and healthy eating will help my depression to some degree.  I'm not expecting it to disappear, but I know depression has been a side effect of my junk food habit.  

As of this morning I need to lose 66.2 pounds, yet instead of feeling like I will fail, I feel empowered, as I know the Lord is holding my hand. 

I am also taking part in the Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study for the book Made to Crave.  I've only read about half the book in the last week, but it has absolutely changed my life and know that it will continue too.  I am excited to study the bible with a group of women from all around the world as we discuss our struggles to stop idolizing food and learn to crave God.  This week our scripture is Psalm 84:2:

My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the Lord, my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God.

I am done yearning for junk food.  The desire of my heart is to yearn for the Lord as David did.  I know this journey isn't going to be easy, but I also know that it will be worth it.  Please consider praying for me as I cleanse my body of toxic food and fill it with the Bread of Life.