completely abandoned

Wednesday night I hit a place of weakness quite possibly resembling a piece of crumbled up trash.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Hebrews 12:1-3

I realized I have a lot more to throw off than I had previously thought. I have been struggling lately, but there is really quite a lot that I have made into idols and keeps me from growing in the Lord. More than I would like to admit at least.

But Jesus is good.

I wrote down a list of things I needed to surrender. Then I told Jesus they were His and to take them.

As I fixed my eyes upon Jesus and prayed, honestly just telling the Lord that I needed His help to surrender and that I want to live a life COMPLETELY ABANDONED for His glory, He heard and came in response to them (Daniel 10:12). Later the Lord reminded me of a prophetic image the Lord had given a friend of mine for me. The image itself isn't important, but the Lord used it to show that He was stripping all of me away accept just enough to hold His presence. I received this word on December 11, 2009, so for those 7+ months the Lord has taught me so much and prepared my heart to be completely utterly surrendered. July 15, 2010, the Lord took that last piece of me away and now all that's left is Him. I am not my own. I know I used this scripture in my last post in completely different context, but Matthew 10:39 says, "Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it." And in Haiti I did in a way, but now I think I have truly lost my flesh. Not that I'll never mess up again, but I believe the abandonment that Jesus helped me achieve caused my life to disappear.

The coolest part is the revelation that Jesus gave me after telling me that I am no longer, but I AM is. I ended up praying, "Jesus I have nothing to offer but You. You're all I am. You're all I'm worth. You're everything. You're all of me." And Jesus was like "YES YOU'RE FINALLY GETTING IT BELOVED! I'm perfect and perfectly happy and content and in love with Myself. And all you have to offer is Me. Do you know what that means? I am perfectly happy and content and in love with you." I was blown away. I still am really.

It was so simple, yet so profound.

It wasn't an overwhelming moment where I wept, it was just a beautiful revelation that solved everything. The love of Jesus is no longer something I believe to be true and have had emotional moments to prove, it is something that I KNOW; something that makes sense. It's not like I didn't believe that Jesus loved me or was happy with me, it's just that now I see how He can love enough to sacrifice Himself. I understand now. I don't have to try anymore. I don't have to earn His love. I already knew that, but now I actually understand and it makes sense. I know I probably sound ridiculous, but I can't even explain the peace and joy that I have. I'm honestly having issues putting words to it. I feel like I need a diagram or something.

It may seem silly, but this simple revelation CHANGED EVERYTHING.

The Lord gave me this passage of scripture last night and I think I Paul sums up exactly how I now feel.

But whatever former things I had that might have been gains to me, I have come to consider as [one combined] loss for Christ's sake. Yes, furthermore, I count everything as loss compared to the possession of the priceless privilege (the overwhelming preciousness, the surpassing worth, and supreme advantage) of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord and of progressively becoming more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him [of perceiving and recognizing and understanding Him more fully and clearly]. For His sake I have lost everything and consider it all to be mere rubbish (refuse, dregs), in order that I may win (gain) Christ (the Anointed One), And that I may [actually] be found and known as in Him, not having any [self-achieved] righteousness that can be called my own, based on my obedience to the Law's demands (ritualistic uprightness and supposed right standing with God thus acquired), but possessing that [genuine righteousness] which comes through faith in Christ (the Anointed One), the [truly] right standing with God, which comes from God by [saving] faith. [For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly], and that I may in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection [which it exerts over believers], and that I may so share His sufferings as to be continually transformed [in spirit into His likeness even] to His death, [in the hope] that if possible I may attain to the [spiritual and moral] resurrection [that lifts me] out from among the dead [even while in the body].

Philippians 3:7-11 [amplified]