Monday, November 29, 2010

crumpled at the feet of Jesus

Saturday I got to have lunch with my best friend Taylor.  We go to college about five hours apart and do not get to see each other often.  Since we were both home for thanksgiving, I was stoked to get to catch up with her. We exchanged stories of what has been going on in our lives and what the Lord has been up to.  I was venting to her about how I have realized that mercy (which stems into serving) is my most prevalent spiritual gift.  I explained to her that I have realized that it hurts when you care more about a person than they care about you; or a friendship, relationship, ministry, etc.  Taylor immediately responded, "Yeah, but doesn't that just make you more like God?  I mean, that's how He feels. He loves and cares about us so much, and we don't return the same affection."  

Can you say, "WOW!"   

That is seriously so friggin' good.  Here I am, wallowing in self-pity, when I really should be rejoicing because I am becoming more like Jesus. Jeez, I just want to punch myself sometimes for being such a dummy.  I am doing this Nazirite vow to be consecrated, to be set apart, to be made holy. I've been sitting around being depressed, and God is probably like, "Come on Case, snap out of it, I'm doing what you've been asking for, you just can't see it because you're too busy worrying about how messed up you are."  

It's funny, almost two months ago when I became a Nazirite, I expected to get so spiritually mature, wise, joyous, happy, consumed, etc.  I thought it would be easy.  Boy was I wrong.  Maybe for some Nazirite's it is easy, but for me, it is ROUGH.  I've questioned my faith a whole lot more in the last two months than ever before.  I've wanted to give up a whole lot in the last two months.  I've wanted to run away a whole lot in the last two months.  I've honestly prayed a lot less in the last two months.  I believe that I needed to be completely broken before God could begin to restore me and make me holy.  I think I needed to be burnt out to see how I cannot do it on my own.  I needed to get overwhelmed to lose my pride.  I needed to be broken in order to be made new.  However, all that to say, I'm still crumpled at the feet of Jesus, completely broken. And to be honest, if this means I'm becoming more like Jesus, I'm willing to stay in this place of brokenness.  Even though it hurts really bad and is extremely uncomfortable and monumentally lonely and doesn't make sense all the time.  Jesus was nailed to a cross, He definitely hurt.  He had no place to lay His head, so I'd assume He was rather uncomfortable.  The disciples wouldn't even stay awake long enough to pray for Him in Gethsemane, so I would imagine He felt loneliness.  

Here I am God.  I'm naked and broken, but I'm Yours.  Give me strength to become like You.  My love is EXTREMELY weak.  Change me in this weakness.  

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