I know not too many people read this blog, so I feel okay posting this.
I'm officially slowing down.
I'm not graduating in May. I'm not taking 18 credit hours ever again. I'm not going to live for the future. I'm not moving to Vegas.
I'm going to be completely vulnerable with you here... I was on the verge of needing to be admitted to a psych ward. I cannot handle life as is anymore. I'm far to overwhelmed and spiraling downward. I cry waaaaay too much, far more than a normal person. I've been feeling depressed. I was believing lies.
I saw that I was going down a path that led to death, not life. A path that was hopeless. Thank God I realized this before it was too late. But I'll be honest, it took my best friend months of telling me to stop before I actually listened. Seems like the best decisions I've made in life are things that I avoided for months, then once I actually went through with them, my life was forever changed.
So I'm trusting that this is going to change my life for the better, just like in high school, after months of a friend persisting on my need to go to church with him, I finally went and Jesus captured my heart and I have never been the same.
Now, I don't know what I'm doing. I've decided to no longer live in expectation of what the future will hold. I am not going to live for the next moment, for the next season, for the next year. I am going to live in this beautiful moment that my Papa has given me. I'm going to take every minute as a blessing.
You know, the unknown is where I belong. What child rules the household and makes plans for the future? It's not the child that spends hours planning meals and scheduling playdates, etc. The kid just plays in his parent's house and his daddy feeds him and takes him places. The child doesn't stress out that he might not have food, he knows his dad will provide. I belong in the unknown. I was created to call him Abba, Father. He's my Daddy, not my husband, not my kid.
So here I am. Completely free of the unrealistic standards that I've created for myself.
I am loved. I am His girl. I'm in His lap. I'm right where I belong.
I'm officially slowing down.
I'm not graduating in May. I'm not taking 18 credit hours ever again. I'm not going to live for the future. I'm not moving to Vegas.
I'm going to be completely vulnerable with you here... I was on the verge of needing to be admitted to a psych ward. I cannot handle life as is anymore. I'm far to overwhelmed and spiraling downward. I cry waaaaay too much, far more than a normal person. I've been feeling depressed. I was believing lies.
I saw that I was going down a path that led to death, not life. A path that was hopeless. Thank God I realized this before it was too late. But I'll be honest, it took my best friend months of telling me to stop before I actually listened. Seems like the best decisions I've made in life are things that I avoided for months, then once I actually went through with them, my life was forever changed.
So I'm trusting that this is going to change my life for the better, just like in high school, after months of a friend persisting on my need to go to church with him, I finally went and Jesus captured my heart and I have never been the same.
Now, I don't know what I'm doing. I've decided to no longer live in expectation of what the future will hold. I am not going to live for the next moment, for the next season, for the next year. I am going to live in this beautiful moment that my Papa has given me. I'm going to take every minute as a blessing.
You know, the unknown is where I belong. What child rules the household and makes plans for the future? It's not the child that spends hours planning meals and scheduling playdates, etc. The kid just plays in his parent's house and his daddy feeds him and takes him places. The child doesn't stress out that he might not have food, he knows his dad will provide. I belong in the unknown. I was created to call him Abba, Father. He's my Daddy, not my husband, not my kid.
So here I am. Completely free of the unrealistic standards that I've created for myself.
I am loved. I am His girl. I'm in His lap. I'm right where I belong.
Question posed in Meagan Rotan's UGLY: "Do you live a life of expectations, or do you live in expectancy of life?" So glad you're back to embracing the moments and I pray that God continues to replace your expectations with that expectancy of the life He has for you.
ReplyDeleteHappy for you Casey... this is truly the way to "make the most of every opportunity" (Colossians 4)
ReplyDeleteI love you, sister. I'm so happy that you have made decisions that are healthy and beneficial for you, even though they were hard. Now you get to see what else God has for you happen, and you get to walk as he guides you. Yay for adventure! I miss you and I'm praying for you.
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