Sometimes honesty is quite ugly

Sometimes when I sit down to blog, I know exactly what I want to say.  Other times, I have a direction I'd like to go, but I'm not really sure.  But sometimes, I have no clue, I just let the Holy Spirit lead my fingers.  Currently, I'm sitting in the public library, on a PC,  in which I have 49 remaining minutes before I'll get knocked off.  I'm wasting time before meeting one of my best friends that I go a year between each time I get to see him.  We were supposed to hang out this afternoon, so I drove into town, only to find out he couldn't hang out for like two and half more hours.  My mom didn't want me to waste the gas to drive all the way home then all the way back, so I thought hmm, I'll go to the library...

I'm going to be brutally honest, I have been doing a terrible job at being a Christian lately, let alone a Nazirite.  As I drove to the library, I thought about how I haven't consistently journaled in like two months.  I thought about how I don't usually encounter the Lord when I'm worshipping, but more when I'm writing [or typing].  Then I listened to this track on a Jonathan David Helser cd, where some guy is talking about how much God loves us.  He says, "There is nothing you can do to make God love you any more than He already does, and there is also nothing you can do to make God love you any less."  Usually listening to this guys Word makes me pumped to learn to love God better, however today, I was just like, dude if there is nothing I can do to make Him love me any more or less, why bother trying.  I've been doing so sucky at loving God lately anyways, why should I make a difference in my life to try to fix things.  Why not just keep living in this mediocrity.  Why not keep living inconsistantly.  If there is nothing I can do to change His love for me, then it's okay to love Him well sometimes and love Him badly other times.  Then the Lord reminded me how frustrated I am that my friend bailed on me this afternoon and I'm having to waste hours of my day waiting for him.  The Lord said, "Casey, there is nothing you can do to make Me love you less, but it hurts that you don't care enough about Me to spend time with Me.  You long for this time with your friend because you don't get to see him often, but Me, you can talk to Me anytime, but you choose not to.  You choose not to pursue Me.  But beloved, no matter how much you cause My heart to ache, I won't love you less, because you are my shining star, you are my beloved Casey, I will never give up on you." 

Now I sit and I type and I hear the whisper of my Savior calling me back to Him.  But I'm numb.  In that same Word from the guy I was talking about earlier, he says that God's love for us will not change, but what will change is our ability to receive His love.  I think I'm numb to receiving God's love... 

Jesus, break this wall I've built.  Tear it down.  God, I want to be able to receive Your love.  I feel like I'm in the middle of this epic battle between heaven and hell for the devotion of my heart.  Jesus, I choose You.  I will always choose you.  But please, please don't stop fighting for me.  I'm over mediocrity.  I want all my affections to be aimed at You again.  I love You God, I love You.

since i haven't posted in a while...

This was one of the hardest semesters of college thus far. It was academically challenging, spiritually draining, emotionally demanding, mentally testing, etc. However, as ironic as this may be, I did AWESOME in all my classes. I made a B in Microbiology, which I am stinkin’ proud of, and I made A’s in all my other classes, including Statistics! Yeah, that’s right, I got an A in Statistics. yay!

I’m very curious as to how next semester is going to be.  I [finally] have a work study job. I have a class with my best friend. It’s funny, she’s a year ahead of me, but declared her major a year after me (we have the same major).  

I just pray that in the next 3 weeks I can get filled up with the Spirit and back on track with my nazirite vow.  

[no clue why the font is brown, but i don't hate it. ;) ]

"ring by spring"

It seems like everything anyone is talking about lately is relationships and dating.  [Heads up, this blog is probably going to be very scattered.] Here is the reality of the situation: I am in my second year of college and I have never been on a date. I know nothing about dating or relationships. Not because I don't want to, but just because I have no experience whatsoever.   Today, as my friends were once again talking about relationships, my friend Chadley said this: 

You're not ready to be in a relationship until your willing not to be in a relationship.

Sometimes I feel like the normal is sort of different for me.  And this phrase has been really stuck to me lately - I was not made for the ordinary.  But then, what does that mean in this context?  

Is it any different for someone who has never been in a relationship?  I'm completely okay with not being in a relationship in this moment.  I still have growing up to do.  However, I was thinking about what if I never get married.  Because the Lord has put a fire in my heart for the prostitutes and trafficked in India.  What if the Lord wants me to give my whole life to that?  And surrender the idea of having a husband and children.  I don't think this is the case, but if it is, I want to at least experience what it is like to have a boyfriend.    

I would like to think that the Lord has kept me so pure and unheartbroken, so He could bring a pure and unheartbroken guy into my life to romance me and we could model the love of Jesus and His church.  However, that could just be me being a hopeless romantic.  I like this idea the best.  I know the Lord has kept me pure for a reason.  And I don't mean just sexually pure, I mean completely pure in heart.  I praise God that He has created me to be this.  As ignorant as it may make me seem sometimes, I adore my purity.  I don't need a ring on my finger proclaiming that I'm "waiting."  Pure is just what the Lord created me to be.  Although in saying that, I must also face the fact that I am extremely fearful of having my heartbroken.  My friend Sarah told me that she thinks every girl should experience heartbreak because you learn so much through it.  Maybe that is true, but I honestly hope that I am enough out of the ordinary that I don't need to have my heart broken.  

But here is the reality.  

I'm nineteen.  

I'm a sophomore in college.

I don't need to know.  

God is sovereign.  

He has a perfect plan for my life.  

He wants me sanctified.  

So here I stand, as a 19 year old chasing after her Bridegroom.  I am not content with not being in a relationship.  But as our relationship deepens, I will be content with being married to the Prince of Peace, Son of the King of Kings. 

Adam Young (Owl City) said this:

"She is out there. My cinderella.  She is real.  She exists.  I pray for her constantly.  May God satisfy the desires of her heart, draw her close, consume her.  May he claim her passions, her identity, her refuge, her hopes, her strengths and weaknesses, every fiber of her being. May she treasure and cherish her Savior more than anything of this world and cling to His will with every ounce of her stamina. By all that she is, does, and strives to be, may He draw near to her and she to Him."  

 I stand trusting that my earthly prince will one day come.

live the gospel

This was a discussion board for my Introduction to Missions class.  I thought some of you may enjoy my response. The question was:  

"With 1/6 of the modern world under the control and domination of the Muslim faith, the Church must develop a strategy for penetrating this rigid and cloistered section of the world. What approach would you make to reaching the Muslim world?"

First and foremost, I believe that prayer is what is going to radically shift the Muslim population.  I could try to explain a seven-step plan of how to share the gospel with a Muslim and how to lead a whole nation to Christ.  However, I am rigorously in love with Jesus and the Holy Spirit has given me the ability to pray perfect prayers from heaven.  Don’t get me wrong, but if I went to Uzbekistan with the intention of radically sharing the gospel, I would probably do something wrong and land myself in jail, or even more likely dead.  The discussion board question is asking what we would/will do to reach the Muslim world. I will pray.  I have heard hundreds of stories of Muslims having dreams and visions about Jesus, and becoming a Christian without ever hearing an “outsider” to their village say the name of Jesus.  I’ve heard multiple stories about a Muslim having a dream that Jesus came to them and told them a white man would come and tell them how to have eternal life (or something along those lines) and then the next week, a missionary comes into their village for the first time.  Praise God that He still works through visions and dreams.  As a part of the Church, while I’m in college, I will pray for the Muslim world; I will pray that Jesus would appear to the unreached Muslim population in dreams and visions.  

Secondly, I will go.  Again, I am answering this personally, not as the Church as a whole, but as what I will do to help the Church invest in the Muslim world.  Sometime after graduation, I am planning on moving to India.  I believe the Lord has already began to unveil His plan for me to minister to women in brothels.  Many of these women will be Muslim, as it is, along with Hindu, a prominent religion in India. I want to invest my life in these women.  I plan on loving them with the unconditional love of Jesus.  I will lead them into a relationship with me where they can completely trust me.  And in this discipleship (yes, I believe discipleship can start prior to salvation), I will show these girls who Jesus is.  I will live the gospel and love the gospel and speak the gospel and be the gospel.  This is how I will approach Islam; consumed with the love of Jesus.  

crumpled at the feet of Jesus

Saturday I got to have lunch with my best friend Taylor.  We go to college about five hours apart and do not get to see each other often.  Since we were both home for thanksgiving, I was stoked to get to catch up with her. We exchanged stories of what has been going on in our lives and what the Lord has been up to.  I was venting to her about how I have realized that mercy (which stems into serving) is my most prevalent spiritual gift.  I explained to her that I have realized that it hurts when you care more about a person than they care about you; or a friendship, relationship, ministry, etc.  Taylor immediately responded, "Yeah, but doesn't that just make you more like God?  I mean, that's how He feels. He loves and cares about us so much, and we don't return the same affection."  


Can you say, "WOW!"   


That is seriously so friggin' good.  Here I am, wallowing in self-pity, when I really should be rejoicing because I am becoming more like Jesus. Jeez, I just want to punch myself sometimes for being such a dummy.  I am doing this Nazirite vow to be consecrated, to be set apart, to be made holy. I've been sitting around being depressed, and God is probably like, "Come on Case, snap out of it, I'm doing what you've been asking for, you just can't see it because you're too busy worrying about how messed up you are."  


It's funny, almost two months ago when I became a Nazirite, I expected to get so spiritually mature, wise, joyous, happy, consumed, etc.  I thought it would be easy.  Boy was I wrong.  Maybe for some Nazirite's it is easy, but for me, it is ROUGH.  I've questioned my faith a whole lot more in the last two months than ever before.  I've wanted to give up a whole lot in the last two months.  I've wanted to run away a whole lot in the last two months.  I've honestly prayed a lot less in the last two months.  I believe that I needed to be completely broken before God could begin to restore me and make me holy.  I think I needed to be burnt out to see how I cannot do it on my own.  I needed to get overwhelmed to lose my pride.  I needed to be broken in order to be made new.  However, all that to say, I'm still crumpled at the feet of Jesus, completely broken. And to be honest, if this means I'm becoming more like Jesus, I'm willing to stay in this place of brokenness.  Even though it hurts really bad and is extremely uncomfortable and monumentally lonely and doesn't make sense all the time.  Jesus was nailed to a cross, He definitely hurt.  He had no place to lay His head, so I'd assume He was rather uncomfortable.  The disciples wouldn't even stay awake long enough to pray for Him in Gethsemane, so I would imagine He felt loneliness.  


Here I am God.  I'm naked and broken, but I'm Yours.  Give me strength to become like You.  My love is EXTREMELY weak.  Change me in this weakness.  

Sanctified Hearing

You know what the most awesome thing is?

When someone prays that your ears will be tuned into God and that you will hear exactly what He wants to say to you.  You listen.  Then the person tells you what they heard God saying to you … and it is EXACTLY the same thing you heard God say.  

Tonight, the Lord said to me,  

“Stop trying to earn My love.  Stop trying to earn salvation.  STOP TRYING.  I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you.  When you try to earn My love, you are rejecting My gift, My grace.  Stop trying Casey, just receive.  I love you.”  

But my flesh began to say, great, now I have offended God.  I’m such a failure.  I would mess up at receiving the love of God.  I screw everything up.  I can never do anything right.  And the Lord said, 

“Beloved, there is no condemnation.  No punishment, no punishment, no punishment, no punishment.  I love you beloved.  I do not punish the ones I love.  And I LOVE YOU CASEY.  I love you.  There is no punishment in love.” 

Then my friend Andrew was like, Casey, I heard the Lord saying that He loves you.  Andrew hesitated, then said, the Lord said to stop trying.  To stop trying to earn His love.  I was like, WOAHHH, that is exactly what I heard.  

I think God wants me to stop trying.  :)

Sanctified Imagination

Tonight at the WATCH, [which is a prayer meeting that I attend Tuesday nights] we prayed for the Lord to redeem our imaginations.  When our imaginations our touched by the Spirit of God, we begin to breathe out the revelation of God.  Think about it.  Over 70% of the Bible was written from dreams or visions.  The prophets weren’t superhuman. We easily want to think that, but as James reminds us, Elijah was a man just like us (5:17). At the WATCH, we began to ask the Lord to open our eyes and let our mind dream His hearts thoughts.  Then we let the Spirit do as He wished.  

I saw myself sitting in the woods by a creek back home.  I was leaning against a tree, hugging my legs tight against my body.  I was crying.  Overwhelmed with self-hatred and the fact that I’ll never been good enough.  Every once in a while I would lift my head up a bit and peek over my knees to see if anyone was coming to rescue me from this despair.  I lifted my eyes and saw Jesus coming towards me.  I quickly jerked my head back down, ashamed of my faithlessness and just covered in worthlessness.  I longed for Him to come to me, but I was ashamed that I desired His attention.  The tree I was leaning on was suddenly gone and I was laying in more of a sunny meadow.  Jesus was over me, lavishing me with kisses.  I know that may sound sorta weird, but it wasn’t.  He was coating my face and neck with righteous kisses.  It was absolutely beautiful.  Then He began to just say, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you completely, I love you outrageously, I love you 100%, all the time, I love you. 

Let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth - for your love is more delightful than wine.  (Song of Solomon 1:2)

All beautiful you are, my darling, there is no flaw in you. (4:7)

My lover is mine and I am his… (2:16)

You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. (4:9)

Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave.  It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. (8:6-7)

[Thank You God, that you are not only my Father, but also my Lover.]

funny conversation

Today, I prayed over Shane Claiborne (Click his name for more information).  

Me: Hi Shane, I know you need to leave, but I was wondering if I could pray for you?

Shane: You’re not one of those Pentecostals who will pray for 10 minutes, are you?

Julieth (my roommate): No, I’ll only pray for like 9 minutes.

Me: I am pretty Pentecostal, but I’ll pray real quick. 

Shane: [to me] How about just you pray?

[Julieth giggles, and later tells me, “he really took me seriously…”]

Me: Sounds good. 

[then I prayed, for like 1-2 minutes. haha.]

It's all gonna be okay

“I wanna feel Your embrace, I wanna feel Your arms around me, I wanna feel Your heart beating next to mine.

And You’re telling me, it’s all gonna be okay, it’s all gonna be okay, it’s all gonna be okay, it’s all gonna be okay.

I wanna see Your face, I wanna see who I can be, I wanna see who I can see in the mirror of Your eyes.

And You’re telling me, it’s all gonna be okay, it’s all gonna be okay, it’s all gonna be okay, it’s all gonna be okay.”

- Embrace, Jake Hamilton

I’ve been listening to this song over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over for the last 6 days. Last Sunday night, I was having a meltdown.  I’ve been having a lot of meltdowns lately.  My best friend pulled a chair up next to him, sat me down in it, wrapped his arm around me, and told me that it was all going to be okay.  He proceeded to get his ipod out, hand me his earphones and put on this song.  I sat in the chair and just wept as I listened to Jake sing “it’s all gonna be okay.”  I’m so thankful that my friend hears from the Lord so well, because wow was that song exactly what I needed to hear.  

I’ve probably listened to the song close to 100 times in the last 6 days.  I’ve had a rough week.  I needed to hear that it’s all gonna be okay.  Anyways, I was listening to it today, and I started thinking about the lyric that says “I wanna see who I can be, I wanna see who I can see in the mirror of Your eyes.”  The background of my computer is a photograph I took this summer of an orphan in Haiti.  The other day, my friend pointed out that when you look into his eyes, you can see me.  I had never realized that before.  I want to look at Jesus, and see what His eyes say about me.  I would imagine they would say that I am depraved, naked, broken, empty, and dirty.  

2 Corinthians 5:17-21 says, “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting people’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.”

Because of this, I guess Jesus’ eyes would say that I am clothed in righteousness, filled with the Holy Spirit, and cleaned by the blood of Christ. 

Thank you God.  Thank you that I have been made whole.  Thank that even though things seem to fall apart sometimes, you are my stability.  Thank you that everything is gonna be okay.  

let us learn together what is good (job 34:4)

In the last two weeks, I have learned that:

• I am terrible at stress management
• impulsive decisions are better left unmade
• in order to constantly pour out, I have to be constantly filled up
• I have anxiety issues
• I can't do "under-pressure"
• vitamins are good
• God is sovereign, even when I can't believe it
• even if it's hot when I leave home for college, I should bring a warm jacket
• car's break and there is nothing I could have done to help it
• not everything is my fault
• sometimes people give bad advice
• depression makes you extremely self-centered
• I need to put a chair in my mind where I leave people, so I don't carry the problems of the world
• I need to be in college
• I really like apples
• I can't take all hard classes
• I've taken 12 credit hours of biology within 3 semesters
• infections and viruses are very different things
• microbiology is actually extraordinarily intriguing
• I'm one of "the boys," whether I like it or not
• I hate dealing with cars
• I hate driving cars and would much rather my best friend, who is male, drive my car
• panic attacks are really scary
• being a missionary is unattractive to most guys
• organic food tastes pretty great
• I have the best friends in the entire world
• a simple word of encouragement or hug can truly change the direction of my day
• "everything is gonna be okay"
• vitamins make your pee neon yellow
• I really like the band vampire weekend
• tumblr is legit, but blogger still has my heart
• I want lots of kids because I really wish I had siblings
• Clayton King is an amazing man and I respect and look up to him so much
• my dorm room is really filled with blessings from the Lord
• as much as I try to talk myself out of missions, my heart beats for the nations
• I am fully and unashamedly obsessed with Harry Potter
• I am hidden with Christ in God (Colossians 3:3)
• photographs make the world a better place
• I am extremely blessed
• folk music owns
• I have a very dorky laugh, but my friends love me for it
• I am quite independent
• I can't wear socks that match
• fall is my absolute favorite season
• 3 months is a little too long to be away from home
• I'm a junior by credits
• I could potentially graduate a whole year early
• my mental health is more important than graduating a whole year early
• I'm going to graduate a semester early and I don't have to take 18 hrs a semester
• writing letters is my favorite
• mercy is in my DNA, whether I like it or not
• the Lord encounters everyone differently

The biggest thing I learned however, is that I have a lot left to learn. Sometimes I forget I'm only 19 and I have a whole lot of life left to live.

If you read my last post, please read this...

My last post was WAY off. I owe anyone who read it an apology.

I said something extremely unbiblical in my last post. I stated, "Jesus said it was impossible for a rich man to go to heaven." This is COMPLETELY untrue, inaccurate, libel, and unbiblical. I apologize deeply to anyone that I misled. One of the next verses in the chapter says,

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God.”

Praise God that this is the TRUTH.

I was completely out of line for a lot of things that I said, and was following my emotions, not the Truth. Again, I greatly apologize for what I said. I pray that I did not lead anyone astray.

i may talk you out of following Jesus...

The Lord has really been speaking to me lately and drawing me deeper into Him. Through this, I've been taking Hebrews 12:1-3 seriously. The Lord has blessed me with extreme purity and woven mercy into my DNA. I didn't think I held much on in the flesh. However, I was wrong. The Lord began to show me that just because I don't have problems with lust or major selfish ambition, doesn't mean that I can eat at fast food restaurants and put caffeine and high fructose corn syrup into my body and say that I am pure and unselfish. 2 Corinthians 7:1 says to purify ourselves from everything that contaminates both BODY and SPIRIT. I'm very intentional when it comes to loving Jesus. That may sound lame, but I'm intentional about hanging out with my best friend, so I feel like I should be intentional about loving the living God. In my intentional nature, I decided to do a body detox where I did a full food fast. I fast on a regular basis, so I figured it wouldn't be that big of a deal. However, it was miserable, and I met so much opposition. I choose to do something kind-of radical in order to decrease that Christ may increase, and I meet opposition from Christians. Today, as I wrote a discussion board post for my introduction to missions class, it occurred to me that the more radical I make my life, the more likely non-Christians will be drawn to what I have and the more likely I will receive extreme persecution from Christians (religious people).

This week I have been a wreck. In this process of sanctification and consecration, I am just being hit with the inability to be comfortable with mediocrity. As I read the word and listen for His voice, I see John the Baptist surviving only on locusts and honey, yet still living a life of prayer and fasting. I hear Jesus saying, "Casey, I want you to live a life of simplicity. You don't need three meals a day, just because America says you need that. I want you to find satisfaction in Me alone, not in food." I am scared of the radical life I hear Him calling me into. However, I know it's worth it. I know I have to do it. Or I could walk away from my faith. But I would NEVER do that because I have tasted and I have seen that the Lord is GOOD. He is good! I'm beginning to understand what Paul meant in Philippians 2 when he said to work out my salvation with fear and trembling. I'm extraordinarily fearful.

I started reading Radical by David Platt today. In it, he talks about Luke 9. We easily can say, "Oh well that was for back then, it's not for today." But why? How can we say some of the Bible is applicable and some is not? If we pick and choose what we want to follow or believe, we're saying we are better than God. We are not better than God. David Platt says, "I am convinced that we as Christ followers in American churches have embraced values and ideas that are not only unbiblical but that actually contradict the gospel we claim to believe." Jesus says that "Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of man has no place to lay his head." Jesus says we may be homeless. In the next chapter of Luke he says when you go, don't take sandals or a bag. I could keep going, but I think I need to just pray and figure out how to tell my parents that I want to quit college, take my college money and buy a one way plane ticket to India, where I plan on being homeless, touching lepers and healing them.

Please comment. Tell me to do it. Tell me I'm absolutely crazy. Tell me whatever you feel like.

beatitudes

“Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are those who mourn,
for they will be comforted.
Blessed are the meek,
for they will inherit the earth.
Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
for they will be filled.
Blessed are the merciful,
for they will be shown mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart,
for they will see God.
Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they will be called sons of God.
Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

Matthew 5:3-10

The beatitudes have always been a big deal to me for some reason. Yeah, it’s the word of God, and I guess all the word of God should be a big deal to me, but the beatitudes like hover in my mind all the time. It’s weird though, because the closer I get to achieving them all, the more I question what they really mean. And the more I strive towards them, the more I realize that they are implanted in my DNA, and that I have no reason to search for them.

I think I’m going to go through each of the verses and dig deep into the greek and apply it to my own life and see what happens. Hope you’ll read along. :)

others can, but I cannot

While in Washington DC during fall break, my friends and I went to the Justice House of Prayer (JHOP). JHOP was started in 2004 by Lou Engle with a desire "to fast and pray in our nation’s capitol with a focus on the upcoming elections and for righteousness and justice to be established in America’s government." At JHOP, I noticed a small book called Nazirite DNA by Lou Engle. I recognized it as a book that my best friend Josh, who is interning at IHOP-KC, had told me about. After flipping through the book, I decided to purchase it. Every time I pick it up to read, the Lord speaks to my heart through Lou's words. I should have already finished it by now, as I bought it 6 days ago, but I think the enemy has been trying to distract me from reading it. Today I was sitting in the prayer chapel, journaling, and I decided that I wanted to blog about how having a servant's heart allows me to get hurt so easily because I expect people to treat me the way I treat them. For example, when someone is inconsiderate to me, I get really upset and frustrated because I serve them, so I expect them to be considerate to me. However, because I was in the prayer chapel, I decided it would be rude to pull out my laptop and blog, so I decided to read Nazirite DNA instead. Chapter 3 was called "The Vow." As I read, I realized I had not given my whole heart to God in this vow. I have only given Him like half of my heart, or even a fourth, or heck, it honestly was probably only like an eighth of my heart and dedication. Nazirites should be set apart. I should not be reflecting anything of this world. And lately as I have been learning to pray heavenly things and allow the Lord to edify my spirit, I have tasted and seen that His ways are higher than my ways, and much more satisfying. However, I haven't given Him my whole heart. In the book, Lou states, "Out of love and a higher vision, the Nazirite was actually choosing a lifestyle of holy discipline, which was more conducive to experiencing the pleasure of God on his heart." I haven't been choosing a life of holy discipline. I've been choosing bits and pieces of discipline I thought I could handle, but being a Nazirite is meant to be EXTREME. John the Baptist only ate locusts and honey, which is such an extreme discipline, but not only that, he also lived a lifestyle of fasting. Here is another passage from the book that WRECKED my heart.

"The Nazirite chooses a separated and lonely path, all for the glorious reward of laying hold of that for which God has laid hold of him. You have one life to live. Live it for the extreme - extreme pleasures of knowing God and being used mightily for him. Others can, but I cannot. I have been called as a Nazirite."

"Don't be afraid of loving God too much. The religious status quo will never understand your Nazirite passion. But love never counts the cost. It always get the most expensive thing in the house and pours it out on God (in reference to Mary at Bethany and her extravagant worship of Jesus)."

I have been doing this wrong. I made the initial move correctly. I feel the burn of the Nazirite. But I haven't given my heart fully to the discipline and sacrifice that knowing and being loved by the Father deserves. I haven't been living out of this world. I have been eating the same things I always would, the same things that this world eats. I have issues with food. I can very easily get obsessed with stuff. At the beginning of 2010 I did a Daniel Fast and got so obsessed with counting calories that I basically stopped eating all together. But as I surrender my EVERYTHING to God, I know that it won't become an obsession, because the pleasure I get in Christ will be so good and my mind and heart will be so focused on Jesus, I cannot get focused on food. I know that if I dedicate it to the Lord, He will honor my request.

I want to live as a Nazirite, not of this world. Another quote from the book is, "But they themselves will demonstrate, by the quality and sacrifice of their lives, a new alternative of hope and compassion in the earth. They will live out the kingdom of God in love, forgiveness and outrageous acts of compassion for the poor and the oppressed." That is the desire of my heart. I want to walk as a Nazirite, a person from another dimension, as Pete Greig's Vision talks about.

21 days (three weeks) into my vow, I am changing things. I am taking my vow to a deeper level. I am challenging society and willingly receiving opposition from mediocre Christianity. I am changing the way I eat. I am changing the way I do discipline. I am changing the way I live. All for the Gospel of Jesus.

The Lord is shifting my reality into heaven.

rest upon us

May the favor of the Lord our God rest upon us, establish the work of our hands for us - yes, establish the work of our hands. Ps. 90:17 (NIV)

And let the beauty and delightfulness and favor of the Lord our God be upon us; confirm and establish the work of our hands--yes, the work of our hands, confirm and establish it. (AMP)

And let the beauty of the LORD our God be upon us, And establish the work of our hands for us; Yes, establish the work of our hands. (NKJV)

This week, I'm in DC with three of my best friends. We dedicated this break to the Lord, telling Him that He deserves the glory, and asked Him to let us be vessels of pouring it out. Yesterday, as we prayed healing over a woman with cancer, the Lord brought this verse to my eyes. I read it, knowing that this would be our theme for the weekend; this would be the legacy the Lord would have us walk in. The favor [and beauty] of the Lord is resting upon us. And He is establishing the work of our hands FOR US. I LOVE that! Not only is He establishing the work of our hands, but He is doing it for us. Because we are incapable. We can't just let Him establish the work of our hands, but He has to do it for us. Listen to this image the Lord just gave me. When I was a little baby, my mom would buy (purchase) my clothes. But she didn't stop there. She also dressed me in them. She didn't leave me to dress myself, but she clothed me. The Father does the same with us. He has His favor, and He freely gives it to us. We can receive it and use it, but it only reaches the true glory of God is when He uses the gift He gives us through Himself. We can use it without Him, even though He gave it to us, we can do it by ourselves. For example, the Lord has given me the spiritual gift of serving and I can serve, but not do it for the glory of God, even though I'm using a gift that He gave me. But when I serve, serving in the power of Christ, I get complete satisfaction from the Lord.

Thank you God for not just giving us a gift, but You being the One to use it in us. Establish the work of Grace, Talloch, Graham, and my hands, for us. You're so amazing Father. Thank you!

Nazirite

Today marks week one, of 26 weeks, of being a Nazirite. On October 1, 2010, I made a vow to God, consecrating myself to the Lord as a Nazirite. I vowed many things to the Lord, one of which being to blog weekly. So here is my first blog since I started. Thus far the Lord has led me into the wilderness. I believe as John the Baptist spent time in the wilderness, I too am going into a period of wilderness. In the beginning, it was really rough. Because I'm an only child, I love alone time, however, I have stumbled onto this trail that is quite lonely. I know it is going to be amazing because He is leading me along the narrow path, into His embrace, but I'm still getting used to the idea. The loneliness has really been affecting my mood, so my best friend Andrew told me that although I'm in the wilderness, the wilderness still has season changes.

Jesus, make it spring in this loneliness.

LOVE

The voice of the Lord has seemed so clear lately. I wonder why I don't listen like this all the time. I'm sure I would live my life a whole lot differently if I spent more time concentrating on what the Father has to say to me instead of busying my life with meaningless, or even meaningful things [that are still less meaningful than the voice of God]. Anyways, I feel like I really need to share the things that He has been teaching me. I know very few people actually read this, if any, but I still feel like this may edify you, or at least I hope it will at least be encouragement to you from a fellow believer pursuing the God of the universe.

Thinking about sex trafficking makes my blood pressure rise. I have always hated sex traffickers and the men who go to brothels with all of my heart. NOTHING makes me angrier than thinking about a 60 year old man paying money to rape an 8 year old little girl. So this weekend I watched a documentary called Furious Love and it had a segment in Thailand that showed footage of the red light district with prostitutes every few feet. As I watched it tears trickled down my cheeks and something completely unexpected happened. The Lord softened my heart to the oppressors, the traffickers, the pimps, the madams, the sex tourists, the young men, the old men, the ignorant offenders, the experienced offenders, all of them... I don't think that I've ever truly experienced the Father softening my heart to something, or at least nothing that was so extremely noticeable in my heart. My heart was no longer pulsing derogatory thoughts towards these men, but it was trembling before the brokenness that they must face to do something as cruel as have sex with a little child. I remember in high school, my youth pastor showed me this sign that someone had made that said "i LOVE murderers, prostitutes, thieves, liars, etc." I thought it was cool and I thought that I loved these people also. Looking back, I didn't even know what love was. I had no idea what it felt like to truly in my heart have love for a murderer or prostitute. My heart is now heavy with love for the broken. Not just the broken that are easy to love, but the broken that basically NO ONE loves. I am so thankful that the Lord is opening my heart to the things not of this world. Because in my humanity I am completely, utterly incapable of love. However, in Christ I can love the people that in my humanity I hate. Oh man, this is profound... [THANK YOU JESUS FOR OPENING THE EYES OF MY HEART!!!] Wow, I'm literally stunned right now. This is why I need to blog more... Jesus always speaks to me when I blog.

If we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. [1 John 4:12]

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. [1 John 4:16]

WE LOVE BECAUSE HE FIRST LOVED US. [1 John 4:19]

Dear children, let us love not with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. [1 John 3:18]

joyfully broken

This semester I'm taking a class called "Drugs in Society." It is on... let me let you guess... DRUGS IN OUR SOCIETY?! Yeppers, you got it. At first I sort-of hated it because I know absolutely nothing about drugs, except what my amazing best friend (who previously was a user and dealer, but is now a crazy anointed lover of Jesus) has told me. Today, however, I had to read this U.S. Justice Department issued survey results and became completely wrecked. 2.1 million children in America have at least one parent who is a drug user or drug dependent. One in ten children in America have at least one parent who abuses substances. 2/3 of all children in foster care are there for drug-related issues. As I read these statistics, Jesus broke my heart not only for the children of these broken homes, but for the parents, for the users. It is such an effed up cycle that these children of God are trapped in. They are all trying to fill a void in their life that can only be filled with Yahweh... Tears drip down my face as I think of these beloved ones that are so lost in the reckless abandon of hopelessness. There is this line in "The Vision" that I posted last month that says, "It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games." I want the Holy Spirit within me to love people away from their drug addictions and child abuse. However I don't know that I'll necessarily be able to hang out with lots of users here at LU, but I can pray. My God is bigger than heroin. My God is greater than methamphetamine. My God is higher than weed. My God doesn't need alcohol for His children to be wasted, He let's us get drunk on the wine of the Bridegroom.

selfless faith

The other night, my friend and I drove to Atlanta to see Hillsong. As I stood in a huge room full of people, listening to hallelujah's rise to heaven, I couldn't help but be overcome with joy because I knew Abba must be smiling as His name is being lifted high. I pictured Jesus walking in the room, just to feel the vibrations of the drums and hear, with His physical ears, the praises of His people. I watched Jesus hold out His hands receiving the small amount of glory that our lips were able to bring Him. My heart was crying out that He deserves so much more than our petty efforts to bring Him glory, but Jesus was so happy with our songs, so happy with our surrender. Hillsong began to sing Hosanna. It probably brought Jesus back to the time He entered Jerusalem (Matthew 21), knowing in just days, He would die for every single sin of all humanity. The third verse of Hosanna, says:

I see a generation
Rising up to take their place
With selfless faith
With selfless faith

As this body of believers sang this line, I watched Jesus. I was startled because Jesus was no longer smiling with His arms opened receiving our prayers, but there was tears running from His eyes and down His face. I wanted to run to Him and wipe them off His cheeks and tell Him that it's okay. "Jesus, why are you crying?" I asked Him, humbled by my Savior's tear-stained face. Jesus said to me, "You're generation is anything but selfless. You're a selfish generation with selfish faith and selfish motives." Tears welled up in my own eyes as I saw the truth in what Jesus said.

We are a selfish generation... We don't mean to be, but the reality of it screams that we are.

Jesus, I surrender selfishness and surrender to selflessness. I want to be selfless because you are selfless. Make me selfless Abba. I commit myself to this journey of losing all of me.

the vision

The Vision - by Pete Greig

So this guy comes up to me and says:

“what’s the vision? What’s the big idea?”

I open my mouth and words come out like this:

The vision?

The vision is JESUS – obsessively, dangerously, undeniably Jesus.

The vision is an army of young people.
You see bones? I see an army.
And they are FREE from materialism.

They laugh at 9-5 little prisons.
They could eat caviar on Monday and crusts on Tuesday.
They wouldn’t even notice.
They know the meaning of the Matrix, the way the west was won.

They are mobile like the wind, they belong to the nations.
They need no passport.
People write their addresses in pencil and wonder at their strange existence.
They are free yet they are slaves of the hurting and dirty and dying.

What is the vision ?

The vision is holiness that hurts the eyes.
It makes children laugh and adults angry.
It gave up the game of minimum integrity long ago to reach for the stars.
It scorns the good and strains for the best.
It is dangerously pure.

Light flickers from every secret motive, every private conversation.
It loves people away from their suicide leaps, their Satan games.
This is an army that will lay down its life for the cause.
A million times a day its soldiers choose to loose,
that they might one day win
the great ‘Well done’ of faithful sons and daughters.

Such heroes are as radical on Monday morning as Sunday night. They don’t need fame from names. Instead they grin quietly upwards and hear the crowds chanting again and again: “COME ON!”

And this is the sound of the underground
The whisper of history in the making
Foundations shaking
Revolutionaries dreaming once again
Mystery is scheming in whispers
Conspiracy is breathing…
This is the sound of the underground

And the army is discipl(in)ed.
Young people who beat their bodies into submission.
Every soldier would take a bullet for his comrade at arms.
The tattoo on their back boasts “for me to live is Christ and to die is gain”.

Sacrifice fuels the fire of victory in their upward eyes.
Winners. Martyrs.
Who can stop them ?
Can hormones hold them back?
Can failure succeed?
Can fear scare them or death kill them ?

And the generation prays

like a dying man
with groans beyond talking,
with warrior cries, sulphuric tears and
with great barrow loads of laughter!
Waiting. Watching: 24 – 7 – 365.

Whatever it takes they will give: Breaking the rules. Shaking mediocrity from its cosy little hide. Laying down their rights and their precious little wrongs, laughing at labels, fasting essentials. The advertisers cannot mould them. Hollywood cannot hold them. Peer-pressure is powerless to shake their resolve at late night parties before the cockerel cries.

They are incredibly cool, dangerously attractive

Inside.

On the outside? They hardly care.
They wear clothes like costumes to communicate and celebrate but never to hide.
Would they surrender their image or their popularity?
They would lay down their very lives - swap seats with the man on death row - guilty as hell. A throne for an electric chair.

With blood and sweat and many tears, with sleepless nights and fruitless days,
they pray as if it all depends on God and live as if it all depends on them.

Their DNA chooses JESUS. (He breathes out, they breathe in.)
Their subconscious sings. They had a blood transfusion with Jesus.
Their words make demons scream in shopping centres.

Don’t you hear them coming?

Herald the weirdo’s! Summon the losers and the freaks.
Here come the frightened and forgotten with fire in their eyes.
They walk tall and trees applaud, skyscrapers bow, mountains are dwarfed by these children of another dimension.
Their prayers summon the hounds of heaven and invoke the ancient dream of Eden.

And this vision will be.
It will come to pass;
it will come easily;
it will come soon.

How do I know?

Because this is the longing of creation itself,
the groaning of the Spirit,
the very dream of God.

My tomorrow is his today.
My distant hope is his 3D.
And my feeble, whispered, faithless prayer invokes a thunderous, resounding, bone-shaking great ‘Amen!’ from countless angels, from hero’s of the faith, from Christ himself. And he is the original dreamer, the ultimate winner.

Guaranteed.